A Woman's Dating Memoirs

There we were in his car.  He kissed me deeply and explored my body.  We pushed the seats forward to have enough space.  As soon as we got in the back, we started pulling each other's clothing off and kissing deeply and passionately.  He touched me, I touched him and let him know that I just wanted him in me right away.  He didn't go for it right away.  First he licked me, had me lick him then have me get on top of him, still half dressed and ride him.  I got so into it, feeling him deep inside me.  He looked into my eyes, I looked into his as our hips moved together in the same motion together, like a dance everyone knows the moves too, though we were like two partners made for one another.  It got so hot, I took off my short dress and bra and he licked my chest and touched me as he was inside me.  I was going crazy.  He told me he would never forget this moment, and looked at me telling me that he loved me. I said it back, feeling tears come on though I fought them back.  It was so intense and so good.  He got out his handcuffs, about to use them and put one cuff on me.  That was all he could do, he didn't get the other one, we were just too passionate for hardcore screwing but it was really nice.  He felt amazing and looking into his eyes I knew this was special and this is someone I really want to be with.   

The last time we were together we had sex in his car.  It was something out of some passionate romance novel.  It was so hot but also very, very emotional.  There was this song on the radio playing by Pearl Jam and we just looked into eachother's eyes and said we loved eachother and he said he would never forget this moment.  He looked like he was going to cry and I knew I was getting close to that point.  It was so weird.  I really, really care about him and love him. 

The other day he said "Just for the record, I want you in bed every day" but then he went on to explain that he does "L" me even though he doesn't say it.  I responded "well you can't even say it in a text message!' to which, he responded: Love you, Love you Love you!!!! That made me laugh, but I was also happy.  He has said it a lot in person since then.  He was scared to love me and I think now he is not.  Now, we may end up being together if all goes well and he knows how to get into this kind of situation and relationship without much complication. 

No one compares to him.  Everyone I could be with bores me.  The kid in my history class who has a crush on me, my high school crush, my ex, the bounder I was hanging with for a bit, the drummer, etc...they just do not compare to him.  Probably since they all only had a piece of what I was looking for and he has pretty much everything that I have been looking for. 

Miss him soo much, but we will be together in 11 days.  Thank God.  This is so hard being away from him.  I just saw him on Nov. 29th but still, that was 11 days ago and I have 11 more to go.  Ah...

I've been dreaming of being with him again.  I just want him more.  I don't know how he truly feels about me.  Sometimes I think he loves me but he could also be scared to love me because of what that intales.  So, I told him that I won't be using the L word anymore.  I'm also not going to tell him that I miss him, I don't want to scare him away. 

Today he told me that he misses me.  He said we can't get together today since he was going to New York but I think I will see him tomorrow.  I know he wants to be with me again so that we can have amazing sex.  I'll find out more as time goes on.  If things don't change, I will leave him but I can't do that yet. 

I think Mary Jane hated waiting for Spiderman.  If she became a superhero she would have gone with him more.  Why didn’t she become Spiderwoman?

Waiting and wondering, would he be ok?  Would the last time she saw him be the only time she ever will again?  It must be difficult for people when they never know.  That’s life.  Sometimes the last time you see someone, you don’t even think it will be the last time, though it is and there is nothing you can do about it.  That’s why each time you say goodbye to someone it’s important to really end on a happy note. 

Before you leave your boyfriend kiss him.  Let him know how much you are going to miss him and care about him.  Make sure he knows.  Sometimes you don’t get a second chance.  You never know.    

Blissful, romantic, amazing, hot, passionate. 

When he picked me up today I just wanted to kiss him right away but didn't.  We took some time to make out at this spot near this stream.  It was very romantic.

Then we went off to a room.  It was very nice, very beautiful. 

As soon as we got in, we got on the bed, kissed and went for it.  It was amazing.  He just knows what he's doing because he is a man.  He said "I'm a good boyfriend arn't I?"  He's never said he was my boyfriend before, until now. I felt really good.  I wasn't sure what we really were until he said that.  I used to just call him my lover. 

Finally he has said it, so now I understand what he wants

We are in the "honeymoon phase" he is not bored.  He loves being with me and says at times that he loves me.

Now he wants to know if we sleep together every day fora couple weeks if he will still have the same feeling, and desire to have me all of the time. 

I think he wants to see if this is just a new feeling or if he really does care about me, and really does want to be with me in the long run and long hall. 

I'm sure I want him.  I am in love with him.  However, I won't say it anymore like that to him.  I'll be indifferent.  He will have to keep chasing after me if he wants me.  He could lose interest, and it won't hurt for him to think I could even though I know I couldnt.  He is too amazing. 

I hope we work out in the end, but at least now I know what he is thinking about and where he is coming from.

The End. 

Winter is upon us.  I'm looking at the sun right now hiding behind the curtain of white filling the entire sky. It's beautiful though. Some of the cloud curtain is starting to lift and there is pink coloring and some streaks of blue too. Trees are loosing leaves.  Leaves are falling to the ground and though we have grounds keepers, most people have to do this work themselves on their days off.  Hours and hours spent working on keeping up the yard.  It must get exhausting. 

This weekend was a blur.  I'm almost close to graduating.  I just want to be done.  I got overpaid 8 hours now so I have to work 8 hours before I get any money again.  It was cool to get paid in advance I guess.

Living for those moments that make you feel alive, not just in a state of existance.  So few right now, though I am thankful for those few times.  They are almost magical - for lack of a better term - fufulling though they leave you wanting more.  That's life.  Enjoying the present and being hopeful for future goodtimes and lessons. 

I'm starting to wonder how much he really cares about me.  We said the other day that we are in love, however...now he want's to wait a couple of weeks to see me because he thinks the build up will be more intense and he doesn't want me to pay for dinner and etc and he wants to save up a little before he takes me out again.  I feel like I am not pleasing him enough, making him feel good enough.  For me, I don't want to wait that long to see him but at the same time, I am not going to just tell him no way, we have to see eachother now.  I don't want to make him feel obligated to see me.  It has to be up to him too.  I should not have told him that I miss him.  When I said it, he said it back but soon after told me how he is not feeling well.  I just wish I knew what his deal was.  Maybe he is trying to push me away slowly... 

This is what I know.  I am in love.  It is the most intense love I have ever felt.  I see a future with this guy and I want to be there for him always.  It's consuming and wonderful.  However, it is complicated. 

Is it about the challenge? Is there something accomplishing about having someone fall for you so bad that they have to have you and change almost everything to be with you?  Is that it?  If I were playing a game, that would be it. 

I'm not sure how it became this way.  In the beginning we were friends.  The friendship grew and respect was there between us both.  We had good conversations, he gave good advice.  I started to trust him and really care about him.  I think he started to really care about me.  I went to his softball games and hung with him after work sometimes.  Then I got assulted by someone and I went to him right away to ask what I should do.  He checked on me, kept seeing how I was doing.  When I moved a few days later he took me out to a bar and we had a nice talk.  He told me a lot of things.  He also mentioned that he loved me and said he'd marry me if I became a lawyer too.  I laughed.  Yeah right.  Though part of him seemed serious.  I ended up kissing him that night.  I wanted him but we didn't do much but kiss and touch over the clothing.  Soon I was going to be going back to school.  We had another date the night before I had to go back to school.  He took me to a movie first, it was nice.  I laughed a bit during it.  He thought I was being a little immature, but I was really nervous wondering what would happen later.  He took me back to my place and I kissed him, got close to him but not too close.  I had to wait and see if the distance would effect us. 

We tried to forget about each other, but that did not work.  He knows now that i am in love with him and I know he is in love with me.  He told me he was.  He said that if we ever broke up he would still love me and always wonder about me and how I was doing.  I've seen him a couple times now and our bond is so strong.  Time will tell.          

The Bouncer was not happy when I changed my status on facebook to "in a relationship."  I did this because even though the divorce lawyer and I are not official, I would rather be with him and see how things work out than still hang out with the guys that I have met in the recent months since being back here. 

I just can't go through the motions anymore.  I want to see my lawyer guy, not these other guys as well as my girlfriends. 

I took my friend out for her birthday.  It was a good time.  Now we are studying, though I had to take a moment to write about him before getting back into my work. 

He's busy working on some cases now, until around midnight.  He felt bad that he could not talk to me much today but I reminded him that that is part of his job.  Quality not quantity is what I look for with time anyway. 

Speaking of which...

Monday I am going to see him.  Next week.  We are meeting around 5:30.  Then we are getting to a room close by, then I'm going back to my complext Wednesday morning.

I'm going to feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman...except for that whole hooker thing.